A number of our lawyers here at Ison Harrison are IDAS (Independent Domestic Abuse Services) Ambassadors, an important charity whose work involves providing support for those who have been victims of sexual and domestic abuse and training and educational work to inspire individuals and organisations to tackle the root causes of domestic abuse.
Here is the story of one of their ambassadors with practical advice for those who may be in a domestic abuse situation…
“There is life after abuse — and you deserve it.”
Emma, IDAS Ambassador and survivor, marks the 10-year anniversary of leaving her abusive partner by sharing her insights.
What have been the biggest challenges since escaping the abuser and how have you overcome them?
The biggest challenges I have faced since leaving my abuser was how to come to terms with the not knowing. Not knowing what will happen next, especially in the days and weeks in the beginning after leaving, not knowing if he will come looking for me, not knowing if he would hurt me if I bumped into him. These are things that have never left me even after 10 years of being away from my abuser and up until around 5 years ago I would often think of these things, and they would have a massive effect on my mental health. It was like being on a rollercoaster; I would be fine then something would happen, and I would dip again. I overcame this by living each day in the present moment, in the ‘now’ as I call it. I needed to take control back of my emotions and mental health as I had the control on how I wanted to live my life. The only way I personally could do that was by understanding that I was constantly living in the past of what he had done to me and constantly living in the future of what could happen. The reality is that the past has happened and gone, and I cannot change that no matter how traumatising it was, and the future hasn’t happened yet and everything I was thinking may or may not happen, so my time was taken up by constantly living in the past and the future and not appreciating the now. I remember looking around and thinking what my current situation was that day, he didn’t know where I was, I was safe, he wasn’t there to hurt me, and I had my freedom from his abuse and control. Since that day I have never looked back and always live each day in the present moment. If anything I fear was to happen, I will deal with it if it ever does.
What are you most proud of?
Myself, which I never thought I would ever say as I never thought I mattered. I am proud that I never gave up the fight to live the life I wanted for myself and my children. I’m proud that I am able to work alongside IDAS who helped me when I left my abuser and I can hopefully help other victims and survivors know that there is a life after the abuse, it’s a hard journey but everything worth having is worth fighting for.
If someone is considering escaping an abuser, what would be your advice?
To contact an organisation like IDAS or to make an appointment and speak to your GP to ask for help to leave your abuser. I reached out to my GP as I could go into the appointment on my own and what I told them was confidential. They gave me a number for IDAS which was hidden on a lip balm in the barcode. This meant I could keep it as the abuser would accuse me of having a man’s phone number if he found it written on a piece of paper and I didn’t have a phone. Always ensure you are safe to leave, and I would advise not telling your abuser that you plan to leave as my ex-husband went to the extent of not letting me out of his sight as he knew I would leave the first opportunity I got. I would also advise that once you leave your abuser you cut all contact and ties with anyone associated with him, family, and friends if possible and any contact done via your solicitor or the agency/charity helping you. I cut all contact with his family who had been my family for 18 years, I knew if I didn’t, I would go back to him as I had done previously so I had to cut all ties and contact.
Through the years, where have you drawn your strength and courage from?
I have drawn all my strength and courage from my children they are the reason I fight every day to make our lives a better one. They were in their teens when we left and saw things they should never have seen and everything I do I do for them as they are my world. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for my children, they are my fuel for my fire.
What are your hopes for the future?
I hope I can continue to work with charities like IDAS and help others who are or have been victims of abuse. I want to give others the hope and knowledge that there is a life after abuse, and we can be happy and deserve to be happy again. Turning my trauma into my drive to help others comforts me, knowing that something good came out of something so terrible that can’t be changed.
If you could share a nugget of wisdom, what would it be?
Live your life in the now, don’t think of yesterday or tomorrow, just think of the present moment. Be kind to yourself and know that you can achieve anything. I wake up every morning and remind myself of the reasons I am grateful, it’s my daily gratitude list to myself. I have my freedom, my health, a home, a job, and my children are safe. Your list can be anything that you are grateful for and can be as short or as long as you like, when I do mine it puts me in a positive, grateful mood for the day 😊
You can find out more about IDAS at https://idas.org.uk/
Be safe!
Ison Harrison Solicitors have a specialist team who have helped victims and survivors claim compensation.
Our cases are funded through our no win no fee schemes or through our Legal Aid Contract for abuse claims, meaning none of our clients pay any money from their pockets in order to fund such claims for compensation.
If you have been the victim of abuse and feel ready to speak to someone to be able to claim compensation for your abuse please telephone a member of our abuse team for confidential no commitment advice on 0113 284 5000.
